So you’ve jerked off with your hand a million times already. If your hand was your wife, she’d be telling you she was ‘too tired’ and to ‘take care of yourself tonight’ by now.
As it turns out there are plenty of ways to masturbate that don’t involve palm to shaft contact.
Here, you’ll find 5 of the most commonly used home made sex toys for men. Of course if you have an idea for a home made sex toy to share, we’d love to hear it. So get in touch. For more DIY sex toys, go here
5 Home made sex toys for men:
Ever wonder why chimps like bananas so much? Hang around them long enough and you’ll find out there’s still plenty we can learn from our masturbation obsessed, evolutionary ancestors. If a goddamn dirty ape can make a home made sex toy, you sure as hell can.
How to jerk of with a banana:
Take a banana ( note: a normal sized one, not one of those tiny Verne Troyer ones) and peel it to remove the fruit, or cut the end off and squeeze the fruit out. Eat the fruit, so whoever else lives in your house doesn’t start seeing the fruit in the bin along with a mangled skin and put two and two together.
Once you’ve removed the fruit from the skin, clean it out and fill it with your favourite lube.
Wrap the skin around your penis, or insert it into the cut off end and proceed to masturbate. The thick banana skin gives a completely different sensation to hand on penis contact. And you also have a handy recepticle to leave your load in.
OPTIONAL EXTRA: Put the skin in the microwave for a few seconds before you have at it, to warm it up. Check how hot it is before you jam your dick in there though. You don’t want to peel the skin off your penis aswell!
You and I both know that couch wants it. You’ve been sitting on it for years, and has it ever asked you to hop off? Exactly. So it’s time to get off the couch, and get off with the couch instead.
For this you will need:
A Ziploc/smooth plastic bag.
Scissors (don’t worry, they’re for cutting the bag)
and store bought lubricant.
1. Take your scissors and cut the sealing strip of your Ziploc bag. If you have a plastic bag without one, obviously skip this step.
2. Take your lubricant and squirt a generous helping into the plastic bag, making sure that you coat the inside of the bag well.
3. Take the plastic bag and place it underneath a couch cushion (between the cushion and the base.
4. Put your penis inside the bag, and start plowing.
5. Push your hands down on the couch cushion to provide more pressure on your penis.
Masturbating this way more closely simulates actual sex, as you are moving your hips rather than your hands.
TIP: If anyone happens to walk in and catch you taking that couch to pound town, just tell them you were looking for loose change under the cushions….with your penis.
1 guy, 1 cup:
You thought cups were just for drinking out of? Grow up! For this home made masturbation toy, you’ll need the following:
A cup – large enough and long enough to accommodate your member. Or a shot glass if you’re unlucky.
Two sponges – that will fill half of the inside of the cup each. Something like kitchen sponges should do.
Take your two sponges and wet them with warm water. We shouldn’t need to explain why warm is better.
Place the sponges inside your cup. Each sponge should cover half of the inside of the cup so that they form a slit in the middle.
Squirt a generous amount of lubricant into the cup, in the gap between the sponges.
Place your penis inside the cup. The fit should be relatively snug to provide adequate stimulation. If it’s too loose, get a smaller cup or bigger sponges.
Proceed to masturbate with your new home made vagina. Be sure to use enough lube though. You don’t want to rub that thing raw.
Outside of black widow spiders, it’s not often acceptable to eat your partner immediately after sex. But if your sexual partner is a melon, why not?
Head to your local green grocer and ask politely where to find their best ‘melons for fuckin’ and eatin’. Melon is one of the most popular home made sex toys for men.
If the helpful grocer knows anything, he’ll direct you to the cantaloupes, or honeydew melons. Failing those options, a large cucumber, squash or watermelon will do.
Take your melon and cut a hole in one side, just large enough to fit the circumference of your erection.
On the opposite side of the melon, make a small pencil sized hole.
Hollow some of the melon out in order to be able to fit your penis inside.
Insert your penis into the melon and either thrust your hips back and forth, simulating sex, or pump the melon up and down your penis like your getting a blowjob.
Try covering the small hole on the opposite side to increase suction when you are pulling your penis out, and uncovering the hole when you push it in. This gives the feeling of someone sucking your penis.
Masturbating with melon is one of the most popular and highest rated methods for pleasure among masturbation enthusiasts (isn’t that everyone?).
And remember, melon makes a lovely snack on a hot day, so when you’re done showing your melon who’s boss, invite your friends around for a delightful snack.
Isn’t it a pain when someone leaves one sheet of toilet paper hanging onto the cardboard roll, just so they don’t have to change it? Not anymore! A toilet roll could be your big score.
The size of the standard cardboard sleeve in a toilet roll is unusually well suited for the average sized male penis to be inserted into.
Depending on your endowment though, you might try using the classic toilet roll, paper towel, tissue or wrapping paper rolls. If you are espcially well endowed like Tugger, you might need one of those 4 foot tubes for sending posters from the post shop.
Once you’ve located your roll of choice, put a condom or latex glove inside the tube, flip the open end over the end of the roll and secure it with some tape or a rubber band to keep it from coming off while you’re getting off.
Fill the condom or glove with lube and place your penis inside. You can simply masturbate with the tube in your hand, or pop it under your couch cushion, or mattress as described in Method 2 above.
So there you have it, 5 places to stick your penis other than your hand. Be adventurous, but also be considerate; don’t stick your penis in things that don’t belong to you. And be safe. There are plenty of items around the house you CAN use to masturbate with. But there are plenty you shouldn’t too, like a blender .. or a freshly boiled jug.
For more home made sex toys, head to Home Made Masturbation Toys for Men – Part 2