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slipslopWhy is sex so great? A) because it’s more fun with two, B) it’s wet! So it figures that a wet wank beats one so dry you might as well be using sandpaper.

Let’s be honest, it’s no fun buying lube. You and I both know the girl behind the counter knows the lube we’re buying isn’t for actual person sex. She knows it’s so you can go home and lather up your pud for a juicy beat. It’s demeaning making small talk while you’re thinking ‘I wonder she thinks I’m a perv’, and she’s thinking ‘I wonder if he’s going to use me in his wank fantasy?’. The answer to both questions is probably yes.
Luckily in this modern day and age, there are usable lubes in almost every nook and cranny of a home.

In fact, there is one lube you’re carrying around with you right now: Saliva!
Saliva is the working man’s number 1 go-to for free natural lube.

Other popular alternatives for a slippery dick that you can find around the house are:
Vitamin E and body lotions
Vege/Olive/Baby/Mineral oils
Butter! (the added bonus being you can clean your johnson off with some bread afterwards and slap some nutella on it for a post wank snack)
Lard
Crisco
A banana skin (be sure to have a good excuse for your mother to explain why all the bananas she bought look like they were put through a shredder)

Another lube that requires a little more effort but is closer to your body’s own natural lube is egg whites.  Don’t use the yolk. If you have an egg separator, use that. If not, separate the whites from the yolk by using a spoon.

Lubes to avoid:
As tempting and convenient as it might seem in the shower, refrain from using soap, shampoo, shaving creams or conditioners. If you’ve used any of these before you will probably have experienced a burning feeling in your urethra.
A burning sensation is your body saying ‘hey asshole, didn’t you read that thing about the egg whites?’. The burning sensation will go away, but isn’t it better for the entire masturbation experience to be pleasurable? Painful peeing and ejaculation after masturbating is like having your girlfriend kick you in the balls immediately after sex. Unless you’re into the whole pleasure/pain thing.